A client once sat down and expressed that his singular talent was “pissing off” everyone he knew in his life. Even those who started to like him soon found that he was less than likable in most interactions. The real difficulty was that he was a highly intelligent and competent professional and could not understand why he repeatedly behaved in what he called a “stupid” way that guaranteed that others would have negative reactions to him. His answer can be found in his family history and the deficiencies in his ability to form and maintain satisfying interpersonal relationships that would be considered the basis of healthy attachment and attunement.

Attachment is about the degree to which one feels emotionally connected to others and the predictable nature of that connection. When attachment is inconsistent or poor, the predictable nature of emotional connection is vague and ill-formed. This sensibly reduces the trust and calm expectation of support that human beings have to feel part of a community or family. Furthermore, it is not uncommon to find individuals who reach adulthood in this dynamic and learn to react with aggression and hostility, or by withdrawing and victimizing themselves. These constant characteristics are frequently associated with the pathology label of Narcissistic.

When family members experience dysregulated interactions with each other, then person-to-person attunement is nonexistent, weak, or inconsistent. This promotes a fear-based drive to gain control through negative means such as those that are readily recognizable in the role of narcissistic personalities. Attunement is related to empathy and the ability to understand what is happening socio-emotionally in another’s life. When the attunement is not present, modeled well, or used consistently in a family, then that sensitivity may be reduced if not completely squashed. When one has low levels of empathy for others, it increases the likelihood that an individual will fail in their attempts to keep up with someone else’s dance and pick up the dance steps they need to perform successfully. Learning to correctly recognize and predict the interactions (dance) of others would assume that there is a consistency in the behavioral and emotional environment.

Attunement and attachment are two areas of concern when it comes to family dynamics that will interfere with an individual’s relationships throughout life. If attachment and attunement are set aside and play little, they can well generate a series of relational markers that can be narcissistic. in species.

As children grow toward maturity in an environment that interferes with or disrupts normal emotional, social, and psychological growth, it is not uncommon to witness a reactivity to this environment that can act as a conduit through which some behavioral patterns are modified. and perhaps the personality of the child. is filled with behaviors that stress the relationship. Generally, when talking about destructive behaviors in relationships, two same but different patterns emerge. The first is the inhibited symptoms of narcissism and the other could be considered rampant symptoms of narcissism.

Regardless of the pattern an individual expresses in any relationship, interaction dynamics are created that are often exhausting, frustrating, personally painful, and emotionally difficult. The remaining text is devoted to illustrating the differences in the dual symptom structure of narcissism beginning with the inhibited symptoms of narcissism and followed by rampant symptoms of narcissism.

Inhibited symptoms of narcissism

  • Related to the poor quality of attachment and attunement that exists in a traumatic family environment, it can be found that children develop a sense of inferiority, are indecisive with strong self-doubts, a marked propensity to feel shame, with a fragility and a highly defended ego structure. that can trigger a relentless pursuit of power and control passively and indirectly.

  • These are frequently combined with a marked sensitivity to criticism and a low tolerance for realistic setbacks and difficulties. Traumatic families have little stable predictability in their interactions, which can greatly exacerbate interpersonal trust and confidence issues. in the others. There is in many trauma families a genuine question about the trustworthiness of others and how much they can be trusted. Furthermore, this self-erosion breeds envy and jealousy over the possessions, talents, and ability of others, always finding oneself significantly lacking or falling short.

  • Another challenge family members face that could be characterized as traumatic may be a lack of direction that can manifest as lack of direction and superficial or poor patterns of engagement. This lack of purpose is related to inadequate reinforcement for successful performance, or a lack of faith in one’s ability to create meaningful change in a manifest result, coupled with doubt that one can influence one’s daily life. individual.

  • When members of a traumatic family operate within the inhibited symptoms of narcissism, one could easily notice a constant flow or shift in values ​​to win favors, gain control, or protect a fragile ego structure. This highly defensive posture is recurrently associated with pathological lying, materialistic lifestyles even though the family is very poor, criminal tendencies, and a strong contempt for authority or social institutions.

  • As the child grows into adulthood in the traumatic family structure, it becomes apparent that there is a clash in the desire for loving relationships and the ability to sustain love. The loved one is seen as a possession, which is there to satisfy the individual’s ego-based needs, which impairs one’s ability to see the romantic relationship as having separate interests, rights, and values.

Rampant symptoms of narcissism

  • The separate but equally disturbing pattern that can develop in a traumatic family structure is the production of members who possess a strong sense of entitlement and entitlement. This dynamic can trigger a perpetual mental process in which one is preoccupied with fantasies of outstanding success coupled with an undue sense of uniqueness, an apparent self-sufficiency that is mostly hollow and protective of a fragile sense of self.

  • One of the hallmarks of rampant narcissism is found in repeatedly superficial relationships of a relatively intense nature that require others to provide emotional, psychological, or social tribute. This is associated with an emotional posture of contempt for those who do not pay tribute, a genuine lack of empathy for those with whom they share a relationship.

  • Rampant narcissism often takes on the guise of friendliness and social charm as a tool to exert power and control in the social and interpersonal environment in which they operate. There is an intense ambition that can accompany this dynamic that is coupled with a drive for the psychological and social tribute of admiration from others. There is also a pervasive idiosyncratic personal morality that can be incredibly destructive to relationships in general. This is often manifested by marital instability, seductive but unsatisfying relationships or extramarital affairs, and promiscuity.

In conclusion, it is easy to understand how poor or insecure attachment and attunement are negatively affected by patterns of interaction in a traumagenic family, as well as how narcissism can easily grow out of these dynamics. Many professionals and most laymen who encounter the narcissist tend to react quite negatively and with tremendous judgment and condemnation that has little influence to improve interactions in any substantial way. The challenge is to create environments in which true attachment and attunement can take place while activating old familiar and well-used patterns more than is absolutely necessary. Usually this is an issue that will require psychotherapy to overcome the weight firmly placed on the shoulders of those who never asked for this burden to be theirs.