“Are you finding that you are getting very angry?” At this point, her head sank in embarrassment. He felt judged. Not least, he felt his own judgment. But worse than that, he feared my judgment. He was nine years old.
This happens with almost everyone; all of whom are emotionally vulnerable when asked these kinds of questions. It’s a difficult question to ask, because society has conditioned us to view anger with shame; that somehow we lack self-control. Even when I asked that question, I was hoping that the person who answered feel condemned.
My response to your answer is critical.
My job is to debunk shame.
The anger they feel is normal.
Read David, Jeremiah, Job.
Pastoral care visits are often like this. There must be a preparation to tackle the difficult topics that are easier to avoid.
Of course, we can’t just charge. The report must be set. Humor can be had. Superficial issues can be, and are best, interspersed through dialogue. In fact, it can seem disarming to talk about things that are difficult to talk about this way. But difficult questions precede the healing of mutual acceptance: I accept them as normal; them accepting themselves as normal; both accepting that God knows it’s normal.
Anger, fear, shame, guilt, resentment, bitterness, and the like are topics that most people avoid. This is because we feel bad about not being happy, brave, grateful, or resilient. But admitting the truth about how we feel is the ultimate in bravery; it is the way to go to feel more genuinely happy and grateful; and, it is the path to deeper resilience.
Society shames us for feeling what we must inevitably feel.
When we have lost someone or something dear to us, we must inevitably feel confused, upset, fearful, angry. And so. These adverse and negative feelings are normal, however, as a society, we reject this discomfort, thinking that it is wrong because it feels uncomfortable. The Bible teaches that what is uncomfortable may not only be normal, but may be a necessary condition for growth to occur.
Those who have never been overwhelmed by a life-altering grievance will not know how staying in the negative can help someone achieve the positive. They may never understand it, until that horrible, fateful day when their life is turned upside down.
It seems so impossibly bad to languish. But it is in those who languish where God best paints the majestic traces of healing. The darkness seems to bring out the best and brightest colors of the soul.
The soul that cries the loudest can hear the softest answer from the Lord, because everything other than God has become irrelevant.
When someone is irrepressibly furious, especially when they are out of line, we should ask ourselves what is happening to them. Intense feelings of confusion to the point of being overwhelmed make us feel out of control, and anger is our most predictable response.
When we are led into unfathomable caverns of despair, we enter a primitive place, and it is in that place that we find the primitive emotion of anger.
We are always surprised and ashamed of this primitive type of response. And the guilt over such responses buries us even deeper in the mire of shame. If only we were to consider that there is a cause and effect relationship between pain and anger, fear and sadness.
It’s about time we started empowering those who suffer from unbridled anger, inextricable fear, and unparalleled sadness by untethering them from the shame of what they feel.
We all need to accept that the mind has its limits, and when cognitive ability is violated, what follows looks and feels ugly. We must ask ourselves what helps… and not do what hinders.
It is neither fair nor just that those who suffer sorrow suffer doubly for shame. Anger can be a sign that we are overwhelmed with confusion, desperate with anguish, terribly afraid, or just plain mad at what we perceive as unfair.
More than judgment, empathy is needed.
What is needed is a listening ear and a calm voice of comfort, and an appreciation of cause and effect (this person is the way they are for reasons).
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Empower the discouraged, create in them the feeling of having been understood, and they will take the compassion they have received, and give it to others as empathy.