These are the three main types of conversation that most people engage in at work. Each has its own structure; underlying assumptions; purpose and goals; strategies; and probable results.
The problem occurs when conversation styles are unconscious and automatic. For example, most lawyers are trained and paid to be warriors. They have to unconsciously become proficient in debating skills.
During a talk with a partner from a prestigious law firm, we touched on the subject of interpersonal skills for lawyers. I expressed my professional opinion by saying, “You can be great at making a point and brilliant at winning a lawsuit. But those skills won’t help you build relationships.” He laughed with me. “That’s what my wife tells me all the time.”
The differences between the three communication styles (debate, discussion, and dialogue) may seem subtle, but they have profound consequences in matters of conflict and cooperation.
Discussion style: This has been shown to be one of the most common unconscious default styles. This one is more aligned with the war metaphor than the other two.
o The content consists of ideas and facts to support ideas.
o The purpose of a debate is to win, to beat the other side.
o The relationship between the two sides is one of opposition. The strategy is to attack their ideas or arguments and defend your own arguments by showing superiority.
o The reason to listen to the other side is to discover the weakness, both in their ideas and in their confidence.
o The emotional environment is generally tense and lively.
o The likely result is polarization.
People rarely end a debate after they have persuaded others to take their side. There are likely to be hurt feelings. If the debate is formal and intentional, the losing party may feel only disappointment. However, in the workplace, the feelings are likely to be more intense and long-lasting.
Thread Style: This is another very common style of conversation in many workplaces.
o The purpose of a discussion is to exchange ideas.
o The relationship is as partners, acquaintances or friends.
o The strategy is to volley, simultaneously or sequentially, and sometimes explore the ideas further.
o The purpose of speaking is to persuade, decide, or sometimes to impress and entertain.
o The main reason to listen is to find an opportunity to contribute your ideas.
o The content is mostly ideas, facts and opinions.
o The emotional atmosphere can be soft or lively and sometimes heated, depending on the topic.
o The likely result is some form of status quo. People often leave an argument without profoundly changing their ideas or beliefs.
A colleague once described a discussion as two people or groups throwing “idea discussions” at each other like sport.
Style dialog: The least common and most likely way to transform conflict into cooperation.
o The purpose of a dialogue is to understand, be understood and connect.
o The relationship comes first as people.
o The strategy is to share, inquire, empathize, recognize and listen.
o The main reason to listen is to better understand the other person and to look for interesting commonalities and differences.
o The content includes feelings, experiences and appropriate personal information (not necessarily private).
o The feeling environment is usually open, dynamic and eventually an outlet.
o Likely results include greater mutual understanding, deeper self-understanding, new and shared meaning, and more clarity about the employment relationship and work.
Choose the power of dialogue for cooperation
Start observing your coworkers in conversation. Using the criteria presented, practice noticing whether the majority is debating, arguing, or dialoguing. Compare the results they are trying to achieve with the style of conversation they are using. What do you observe?
Create a mindful plan for an important conversation that’s already on your calendar. Or think of an important working relationship that you could improve with a good dialogue.
With the help of a skilled communicator or coach, or with your own discreet resources, review the following checklist to plan your part of a dialogue.