Communication is defined as a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behaviors. Human communication is the process of making sense of the world and sharing that sense with others. The process involves three components: verbal, nonverbal, and symbolic.
Verbal communications are the main communication skills taught in the formal education system and include things like reading, writing, computer skills, email, talking on the phone, writing memos, and talking to others. Nonverbal communications are those messages expressed by means other than verbal. Nonverbal communications are also known as “body language” and include facial expressions, postures, hand gestures, tone of voice, scent, and other communications perceived by our senses. We can’t communicate, and even when we don’t speak, our nonverbal communications carry a message. Symbolic communications are demonstrated in the cars we drive, the houses we live in, and the clothes we wear (eg, uniforms: police, military). The most important aspects of symbolic communication are the words we use.
Words, in fact, have no meaning; rather we give them meaning through our own interpretation. Therefore, our life experience, belief system or perceptual framework determines ‘how we hear words’. Rudyard Kipling wrote: “Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” In other words, we hear what we expect to hear based on our interpretation of the meaning of the words.
According to social scientists, verbal communication skills account for 7% of the communication process. The other 93% consists of non-verbal and symbolic communication and is called ‘listening skills’. The Chinese characters that make up the verb ‘listen’ tell us that listening involves the ear, the eyes, full attention, and the heart.
Listening is described in numerous studies as the most prominent type of communication. It has been identified as one of the most frequent problems in marriage, one of the most important in the family and social environment, and one of the most important communication skills at work. Often people think that because they can hear, listening is a natural ability. It is not. Listening effectively requires considerable skill and practice and is a learned skill. Listening skills have been described as ‘listening with your heart’ or ‘listening between words’.
Listening is a process that consists of five elements: hearing, attending, understanding, responding and remembering. Hearing is the physiological dimension of listening that occurs when sound waves strike the ear at a certain frequency and volume and are influenced by background noise. Attending is the process of filtering some messages and focusing on others. Understanding occurs when we make sense of a message. Responding consists of giving observable feedback to the speaker, such as eye contact and appropriate facial expressions. Recall is the ability to recall information. Listening is not just a passive activity; we are active participants in a communication transaction.
Practical steps for more effective listening
1. Talk less. One of my students used to say that when she facilitated classes, she would always tell her students that God gave you one mouth and two ears, that should tell you something.
2. Get rid of distractions. If listening is important to you, do your best to eliminate internal and external noise and distractions that interfere with attentive listening.
3. Don’t judge prematurely. We are all guilty of making snap judgments and evaluating others before listening, especially when the speaker’s ideas conflict with our own.
4. Look for key ideas. We think much faster than people talk. To help focus attention (instead of getting bored), draw out the central idea.
5. Ask honest questions. ‘Devil’s advocate’ questions are actually assertions or criticisms in disguise. Honest questions are requests for new information that clarify a speaker’s thoughts or feelings.
6. Paraphrase. Rephrase the speaker’s thoughts in your own words to ensure that the listener’s interpretation is accurate.
7. Suspend your own agenda. In other words, as you listen, focus on what the speaker is saying, not on what he is thinking.
8. Listen empathically. Empathic listening is knowing that, given the same circumstances, you could have done the same thing. It is the ability to experience the world from another’s point of view. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree, just that you understand.
9. Open your heart with love. We often listen to score points and make ourselves right and the other person wrong. When we open our hearts to each other, we do so with the belief that we are all the same. We have the same feelings, fears and hurts: to do the best we can with what we know.