There should be a rule book for people who live in Los Angeles. I’ve lived here my whole life, and I find that I still make a horrible misstep in the most embarrassing way. This book should be offered in every Los Angeles bookstore and should cover Los Angeles behavior, language, personal facades, and the Los Angeles club scene. Each page should state the dos and don’ts of the city. Why? Because there is no city like Los Angeles and there are no groups of people like Los Angeles. The kind of eccentricities and embarrassing scenarios one encounters here cannot be intuitively learned anywhere else. The reason is obvious: no other city has Hollywood. Yes, Hollywood. Creator of fame, fortune and political power.
As you know, it is not uncommon to see a celebrity doing mundane chores in the city. We’re almost used to it … or at least we play it the way we do. You know the Los Angeles exercise. Don’t look, secretly take a photo and become one with your life. That’s fine unless you don’t know they’re famous.
Cut to: Mark Edward Lewis sitting in a cafe in Burbank he’s never been to. Enter an exotic brunette with short hair, a tank top, bright blue eyes, and a four-foot-wide stroller.
Cut backwards: Mark is doing everything wrong. He’s looking at her, not because she’s so flashy, but because he thinks he knows her. He’s so sure of it, that when this baby looks at him, he doesn’t flinch. He is sure that she will recognize him. Her frown, her wince, and her “in your dreams, buddy” look doesn’t faze him. He puts down his stool and wanders in his direction. Four feet from his fingers touching his bare shoulder, Mark has a flash of memory.
Cut to Flashback: Her living room, a TV, surfing the channels late at night, seeing her chiseled body crushing black-clad thugs. The bumper before the commercial says: “VIP”. Back to the cafe and a mid-shot of Mark’s hand inches away. He pulls his hand back like a snake. His face turns red and he sits back on his stool muttering Hindu grace. No, he does not know her. He had simply surfed the channel on one of the most exploitative and sexist television shows. He’s embarrassed that he even knows this woman’s face, but he’s relieved he didn’t poke fun at himself and repeated the most frequently used celebrity slap flirting phrase in the LA club scene: “Hi. I think that I know of somewhere “. Yuck.
Yes, it was Natalie Raitano. Yes, it really happened. No, I didn’t get his number. The lesson: If you think you know someone in Los Angeles (and they are beautiful), it’s okay to cross their line of sight to be seen, but honestly, they don’t know you. Making this mistake with a TV star is relatively harmless compared to the more incriminating scenarios you might find yourself in …