I am often emailed by women whose husbands are having (or recently had) an affair. They are hurt, confused and scared. They often want information and statistics on why, how, when and if men come back after cheating. Often a woman who has been cheated on will doubt her husband’s sincerity when she wants to get back. They are afraid of being just the consolation prize when things have gone wrong with the affair.
But here he comes with his tail between his legs muttering apologies and everything is supposed to be fine again. But, that’s not really the case, at least in your head. There are trust issues. There are honesty issues. There are self-esteem issues. You can’t look at him or your marriage the same way. You doubt that things will go back to the way they were before. I don’t know your husband, or you, or your marriage, but I can share with you what men tell me (and what my research shows) about why husbands/boyfriends almost overwhelmingly go back to women who love them. love.
Why your husband or boyfriend may want to get back together after being cheated on: Let’s get this out of the way. Most people assume that affairs and cheating have to do with sex, or more specifically with the fact that the man doesn’t get what he needs at home. Let me dispel that myth right now. Men will use this as an excuse for their actions. They say this because they are expected to. It’s easy to escape, but it’s rarely true.
More often than not, affair and deception are the result of your own inadequacies and emotional need. It just doesn’t feel “right” within itself. Doubts about his own desirability and immortality begin to invade his psyche. He is bored with his own company. Honestly, he often doesn’t look for an adventure, but he finds it, and in the blink of an eye, he’s crossed a line he’ll never be able to jump again.
But here’s the problem. When he takes this action, he hardly ever thinks about tomorrow or the consequences. You, your marriage, or your relationship almost never come into the equation. You don’t stop to think about how you can get out of this situation and when regret comes, it’s too late to do anything about it.
That’s when the panic sets in. How can you fix this? Making sure he never finds out. Promising to be a good husband/boyfriend and make it up to him. By swearing that this will never happen again. This all sounds good, huh? But, it is not reality. You find out and you’re devastated. She had expected you to offer her a safe haven and open arms, but this is not the reality for her. And now, he realizes that this strange woman is not what he wanted at all. He just wanted a quick fix for his insecurities, but now he realizes there is no such thing.
The truth is that the statistics are very clear. Very few affairs turn into a long-term relationship. much less marriage. It is something fleeting because it was born of fleeting doubts. The problem is that the fall can be permanent. Because often when he realizes his big mistake and decides that he really wants what he just rejected, he has to depend on you to decide that you’ll take it back.
Deciding whether or not to accept your cheating spouse: I didn’t tell you this to plead your husband’s case. I have been cheated on in the past and I know it is devastating. I would never defend it. But, the fact is that it is up to you how you are going to proceed. You can’t pretend this didn’t happen. Life will not miraculously return to normal. You will have to address this, whether you want to save the relationship or not.
You will need to analyze the relationship and determine if it is worth fighting for. You will need to determine if you can separate this man’s actions from the man himself. You have the opportunity to allow this to be the push you need to work on loving and caring for yourself. This is one of those rare occasions where the decision you make here defines your life. There is no right or wrong answer. Certainly not one size fits all. Some women will see adventure as a deal breaker. Others will choose to do the hard work on the marriage because they don’t want to let one mistake ruin everything. This will be up to you, but I’d be willing to bet you’ll get a chance to make the decision, as most husbands and boyfriends eventually come back after cheating.
