I am a big fan of procedural police dramas. They are comforting and reassuring because they usually include what, why, and a solution. Granted, there is drama throughout the story and the resolution isn’t always satisfying, but the lies and excuses are always exposed. As a victim of narcissistic lies and deception, I find it reassuring that cops in shows/movies always get to the truth, even if it’s ugly.
While working on my recovery from narcissistic abuse, I found another encouraging aspect of police programs. There are two sentences commonly used in police dramas that tell a character that they have reached the end. Those sentences are: backing out Y End of watch. The reason I find them encouraging is because when applied to dealing with a narcissist, they are permission to walk away from the abuse.
backing out
In a police drama this expression means to stop a confrontation or end a state of alert. In real life, this phrase is an authorization for a victim not to have to engage in a demeaning argument with a narcissist. It is the certainty that a victim can end the state of alert that she has maintained throughout the relationship with a narcissist who intends to torture. It is also a directive to stop “biting the bear” in an effort to show that you are not stupid or overly emotional or inferior; the bear will never admit that you are right.
End of watch
In police shows, this phrase is used to refer to the end of a work shift. It is also used as a tribute to law enforcement officers or other public safety officials when they retire or pass away. For a victim of narcissistic abuse, it may mean that the need to watch her back, protect her sanity, or protect her spirit is over. Just as it can signal a cop’s retirement, it can represent a victim’s departure from a relationship with a narcissist.
Victims of narcissists rarely have relationships with narcissists because they want to. The victim may have been born to a narcissist. You may have married a front and now share children with the person behind that front. The victim’s career may be in the hands of narcissistic bosses. Because there are circumstances that have made it necessary or important to be in the relationship with the narcissist, the victim has become conditioned to “live with it.” Permission for backing out or implement a End of watch It’s a difficult thing for victims of narcissistic abuse to deliver, no matter how much they want it. It can be difficult for a police officer to walk away when faced with an obviously guilty person and it can be scary for a police officer to walk away. Similar emotions are behind the abuse victim’s hesitation to deal with a narcissist or end a relationship.
If I had a megaphone that could be heard all over the world, I would broadcast this: Attention all victims of narcissistic abuse! You are hereby granted permission to Withdraw and End your Surveillance. You are allowed to ignore the gaslighting, stop pretending to believe the lies, and even walk away from the relationship.